foreground

ive come to the conclusion that i have some kind of self image problem & workin in a place like where i work has made it worst. im not sure im pretty. if that makes any sense. weird. idk. i know im not ugly but i dont think im pretty, but i think im cute. ?. anyways, im kind of rethinking this whole marriage thing. did i marry too soon? well, thats an obvious YES bc of our age, but was the marriage itself a mistake. i DO loe him, but i feel like i may be missing out on the life i should be living. but i may be completely wrong & this IS the life im meant to be living. i worry wayyy too much, veryyyy analytical & its starting to drive me nuts. plus, i dont feel like we love each other the way a husband&wife should. like both of us could love someone else way more than we love each other. like there's omeone else out there for us both. crazy shit, huh?

YEAH!

soo...

you know how i left fox, but ended up going back there bc i realized that fox is where i really wanted to be & was best for me? well, (long story short) that all changed when an ex co worker of mine informed me that our old GM, tim, is now the GM @ this one restaurant that does RIDICULOUS business & the girls make BANK. she suggested i go bc tim would hire me in a heartbeat. i was like idk... bc i was just so complacent & comfortable @ fox but if this place was gonna pay me more, then whyyyy turn down more $$? so, she insisted on texting him & seeing what he had available & if he would be interested in having me... next thing i knew he had called me & i was hired in a matter of 2 days 0_o & this is where i ended up...

yeah, i kinda sold out, but for damn good reasons! more pay, more safety, & more peace of mind. if im gonna have a college job, it might as well pay well enought for me to NOT financially struggle. sure, the girls are kinda catty & other annoying factors too, but im getting my mind right & keeping my head in the game bc i can't let anyone or anything stand in my way! plus im getting paid $10 an hour PLUS tipshare JUST to hostess... #winning! ima do this... ") oh andddd they give us a FREE gym membership! not discounted but FREE! i woulda never got this kind of hookup @ fox, man! i miss fox & the abundant unity we had as a staff but i had to move forward @ some point. unity dont pay the bills either... so off i went.

so, now im just getting into the groove of this new job, amongst other everyday quirks ") im working on a video blog, feel free to give me any pointers bc im a little lost when it comes to actually making one :/ like, i really, reallyyyyy wanna do video blogs but feel idk kinda unconfident about making them... so ANY ADVICE is definitely welcomed :D talk to you soon, xoxo!

just livin how im supposed to be livin ;)

the back to school bash @ work thursday was a success!i feel like my outfit coulda been better, but it is what it is & it was soo fun :) here's a few pics!

<3

in other news, social life's looking up... husbands good, life is good, God is good :)

that's my new baby & she just looks so good :) fashion will be the death of me someday... financially, at least.

today... ive decided to clear out my head a little by making a list, bc my head is cluttered & im so so soooo tired of the wondering all the time. its like i think in my sleep, if that's evennnn possible. ok...i <3 him but is it really love or comfort? can i get my spark back for him?... i have lots of fun w/ my best friend but is she really that? bc @ the end of the day if you dont do what she wants, she starts acting funny, so THAT i know is NOT a friend... its baggage....i love my job & when i decided to stay there i decided that it would be the job i keep until i grad. college, but thats gonna be in 3 yrs, i'll be 24. a 24 year old hostess, im not sure if thats a good look & i might feel funny, where should i go & when should i man up & get that adult job?...then there's bm... that sold me a fake dream on a drunken night then just... idk but actions speak louder than words, plus he makes me nervous & im speechless at times with him so is that a sign or something? am i supposed to be living in tx or should i be in la with my family? then again, i gotta grow sometime.... i dont have any friends here, to be quite honest & everybody needs friends, i have lots of girls who i talk to here & there but have their own group of friends so if i wanted to go swimming & wanted someone to come with, i dont have anyone except for the so called best friend forementioned which brings me back to the beginning of my circle of questions. i would appreciate prayers for those of you who pray.. bc i desperately need guidance & clarity. please & thank you ")

this is what i did @ work today, its the drink specials board, its our new one that lights up, i think its a black light of some sort :D im pretty much artistically challenged , so for it to come out so neat & pretty made me happy! omg & our back to school bash is tomorrow & i officially have everything! just gotta wake up @ 1 so i can be ready by 330 then head out then get my night @ work started, its gonna be fun :)) see what i just did right there? i said that IT IS gonna be fun. bc i realized that YOU make YOUR OWN FUN & if you're determined to have a good time, so you will! well, im gonna go finish watching this game with him <3 love you, love bugs!!! :)

oh p.s. heres the cakepop pic i promised a special someone :))

went shopping today & talk... is still cheap.

off top:

the song "hopes & dreams" from this cd... is like... some sort of drug to the earrrr
especially when played with awesome bass, seriously, DO IT.

oh, & the back to school bash @ work is THIS thursday! i know all the girls are gonna be dressed pretty much all the same way... superrr short (like stripper short) plaid skirt, shirt w/ midriff exposed & heels, oooo original -____- well, i wanted to be a little different (as always) & be like a sexy nerd. you know, stripper short skirt, midriff showing shirt, high socks, suspenders w/ bows on them, my nerd glasses, & heels :) well, im having a little trouble putting it together but im putting the odds & ends that are left together tomorrow... i WILL be posting pics!!!

in other news...

allll i gots to say is: if there is a certain situation going on that like pushes time: when i call or text you, you better pick up that fucking phone because iam NOT about to go out on a limb for you if you are NOT gonna take this seriously. what do i look like?? a jackass? because im not! i may be super duper nice & iam nottt perfect, but definitely not a jackass... whewww, sorry loves, had to express that... bm is retarded, thats all im sayin. something went down today that with bm that was... kinda major but im not sure if im ready to say yet :/ i know my blog is completely safe buuuuut i just always have that 'what if' in the back of my mind, like what if someone that really shouldnt be seeing this... sees this & it ruins things between certain people... but anyways, i realized that i will not let somebody be 1 sided with me & ask more of me than what they're willing to sacrifice. nah ah! no sir, not here, not today, not EVER, neg-a-tive. so yeah... that's the end of that.
also, ive been thinking a WHOLEEEEE lot lately. about me... about my life & where its going & where i want it to go...my husband... my role in the world & how i can fulfill it to theee fullest. like once im done in college with degree in hand & starting the job in my field... am i gonna be happy? i need to make sure thats what i really want. and my social life needs a jump. that's no question, but how? when i have no friends? idk, maybe i should reach out a little more, idk! then the biggie ive been struggling with... do i really wanna be with him? am i unhappy with him or is it my life im unhappy with & its something that i need to be doing? DO NOT GET ME WRONG: i DOOOOO love my husband, ok? but i just get these doubts sometimes & i wonder if we should really be married. we ARE only 21, so it might be that we shouldnt be married or that im just feeling this way BECAUSE OF how young iam & its just normal... idk. i havent really been praying about it, so i think i should start...i think sometimes, what i would be doing if i werent married... i'd be home with my mom & sister...would i even have a car? probably not bc i used my leftover school $ to get mine & when i was living with my mom, she used to always need my school $ for bills, rent, etc bc of her mismanaging of money. so maybe its meant for me to be where iam @ the time iam so i can get myself together, then i start thinking 'oh, this is all ok' but then i start noticing other guys & thinking how it would be to be with other guys, then im back to square one: should i really be married? because this shit is hard. well, im gonna go now, gots work in the a.m. love you, love bugs <3

hu$tle like a ladyyyyyy.

sooo, i changed my hair again & no one has tried to jock my shit so far, so yay!! SWAG :D im liking it... but now i just wanna go super short & volumous. kinda in a 'fuck the world, im gonna do something ca-rayzyy to my hair' stage. hmm, idk.
in other news...

im back at fox :) long story short: i realized that im happy at fox & that i really dont have it bad there at all. plus, im 21 & should have a fun job where we goof off, have fun, have dress up days & such. its the perfect time for that... im 21 bitchhhhh!& its about time i start acting like it! im gonna start going out more too bc its been about a month since ive been to a club & thats no bueno -__- but yeah, i pretty much vented to my boss @ fox how i felt & how dead boringggg it was @ the new job & he said "well forget them & come back to fox! haha! youre too cute!" thank God he took me back, ahhh!!! when it comes down to it, a few things didnt go my way on several occasions which led to me being brat & job hunting. im glad i realized that, whew! school starts on sept 2nd for me!! im excited! except for my leftover financial aid coming 3 weeks after school starts so howwwww the fck am i supposed to get my books?! i guess i'll be hitting that library like everyyyday until then -____- also, ive actually come to appreciate my best friend & acknowledge her as that bc she may get on my nerves a lotttt sometimes but shes good people to me, so its all gucci :D oh & im not friends with ashley anymore... she tripped over some stupid stuff but her getting bitchy with me just because i couldnt answer my phone due to me being busy was the dealbreaker, i may only be 21 but iam toooo old for the bullshit. bitch had to go. womp, womp, wommmmmmp... hahaa!

sooooo... ive officially fallen in love
with dev! she's badass :D

i heard her song "dancing in the dark" at work today & i loveddd it!! i youtubed more of her songs & shes definitelyyy a favorite of mine now :)) & my new style icon... i like, i like! well i gotta goooo! secret life is onnnnn!!!! love you, love bugs <3

& im starting to wonder... wtf did i doooo???

ok, i complained a lot about fox & working there & the little petty things that came up there... but you never really know what you have until it's gone & iam truly living that saying out right now. & i also now see how petty i was at times... i just shoulda shut my mouth & been grateful for the job that i had.i absolutely loatheeeeeee that i see that now, like after the fact. this is how it all started...

i started job hunting like 3 weeks ago whenever i had an off day. i applied places, never heard back. like a week after i filled out this app @ this hotel & it seemed like the manager liked me but when i called back like a week after, she said oh, we decided to go with someone w/ more hotel experience... i was like ughhhh. this actually happened about 2 weeks ago. well, this past saturday evening, that same manager called me & asked if i could come to the hotel & talk to her about starting monday bc she needed someone asap. needless to say, i was superrrr excited! :) until i went to give my 2 weeks notice @ fox -__- my manager there was pissed, he actually said a number of things to me... like "oh, are you serious??" & "you'll be back, i know it..." & "you're such a social person, your gonna....

omg, fox just called me asking me to come in bc the pm hostess didnt show... gotta go, man what can i say?? im addicted to the place ;) love you, love bugs.