today was pretty shitty.

christmas shopping my ass.

let me just start off by saying, i absolutely cannot stand how he is about going places. it urks me to the core. like, i understand he's not used to sharing his time with someone else. hes just used to doing what he might want or need for himself and calling it a day but its time to get real because im just about burnt out on this 'depressing new married couple' shit. like over it. im about ready to be happy. i been ready since like 2 months ago. i mean we're not unhappy alll the time, but its just one of those situations where things randomly pop up & remind us that we have some issues as a couple. i just want to be happyyyyyyyyyyyyy, ugh. and after some thinking, thats exactly why im always looking for something to pop or drink, it takes me to a happy place. a place i cant achieve that when im sober. but enough whinning, thats just something im gonna have to keep praying on... already begun, actually. but its just like how much do you have to pray on something before it even shifts towards good a little bit?? but hey, im keeping my faith up, not gonna think like that.

soooo, i saw my 'father' for the first time in a decade yesterday... yeah.

on behalf of my moms extraordinary lurking skills on facebook, she found my stepbrother on there and from there i found out that i have a stepsister that lives like literally 20 minutes away from me and 'he' also lives about 20-30 minutes away from me. it was so randommmmm. like, i thought after my mom & him split officially when i was 10, that would be the last time i see him bc he wasnt exactly father of the year when he was around, you know? i honestly assumed that he was dead or something in honduras bc thats where he does all his dirt or goes when hes gotten himself into some dirt here. this mans a mess. but anyways, i went and hung out with him last night. my stepsister (lynette) came with me and husband as well. i didnt go in expecting him to make up for all hes missed out on and what he owes me, just to see the man whose your average deadbeat dad and is totally oblivious to it. hmm. yeah pretty entertaining stuff.

and the trip home for Christmas... dont know if thats gonna happen =(

i know what you're saying, i know... 'well, what the hell DID go right for you these past few days??' it must sound as if im a negative nancy, but i promise you that im not, shit just happens. and it lovessss to happen to me, yay for me right? =) well anyways, its bc of money issues that we may not go and then if we do go we might just end up staying for like a day and a half or something, booo =( i mean i dont mean to be an ungrateful brat bc hey, a day and a half is better than no days at all. but this trip is so i can see a few of the very few people who i DO love, are real, mean the worrrrrld to me, and get me: my mom, sister and niece. and i dont see them often seeing as how they live like 300 & something miles away from me... and the other thing that i just thought about is after Christmas, when will i get a chance to go over there and visit with them? just another thing i'll have to pray on...

on the brightside... i look cute =)

my hair is done, extensions are in! eyelashes are done and all i have left to do is get my eyebrows done (which is optional bc they look pretty good already!) i just reallyyyy hope i'll be able to visit home for Christmas!! i have like 5 more gifts to get before Christmas, and i better be able to get them tomorrow. im so tired of him being like oh can we go later?? then oh, can we go tomorrow?? the funny part is that when we dont go and he 'doesnt feel like going' he comes home and plays that damn video game. its like i know you didnt come home just to play that but you couldve taken me to do my stuff. hes such an asshole and doesnt even see it. its like what if the shoe was on the other foot and he moved by me with no car and no fam to bring him where he needed to go when he needed whatever? thats a pretty shitty feeling and that on factor alone has the potential to make me leave him. not bc oh he wont bring me placs sometimes but its the principle of it: i need to go places and you are my only means of transportation and when theres something you knowwwwww i need to do you're like 'oh i dont feel like it' wtf?? just help me do whatever and youre free! like IM the reason hes getting his 'legality' in this country, the very LEASTTTT he could do is not put me off like a neighbor or a stranger or something. fucked up. like for real. let me tell you, it is THE most annoying thing when someone keeps doing shit to you, you tell them it bothers you, and they stilllllll do the shit. i promise you: when i DO get my car, im gonna take my own self where i gotta go. ima just get up and leave and not tell him shit. if he keeps it up, i might jusy go away with that car. its like im a prisoner sometimes. i have to go places and cant go.

well, i dont know what im gonna go do but im kinda pissed off all over again just thinking about it. i gotta make a plan because im not gonna keep doing this shit. he can be by himself if he wants to be like that.